I Guess It's Melancholy

Is it weird to miss laying my head on my dad’s chest and feeling his voice resonate as he’d read me stories?  I almost wish I could have stayed young.  Why do little kids want to grow up so fast?  What’s so good about growing up anyways?  I wish I felt happy right now with where I am, wherever that is.  Maybe that’s the problem.  Maybe I just don’t know where I am, I guess I’m just confused.  Saying goodbye to chapters of life and letting go of lives once led is so hard.  I guess listening to sad celtic music doesn’t help, but I love it.  i need to get back to writing my story about the little kids and the grandfather, and the message.  I guess I’m just melancholy right now, it’ll pass, but I wish I could reflect on life without feeling this lump in my chest and my throat.  I haven’t cried for some time, I don’t know if it’ll happen tonight, I guess I’ll find out.  Oh well.  I’ll be alright in the end I suppose.  I can’t help thinking that I have to live my life close to perfect, because everything affects someone else and that means it changes their life, and I don’t want them to grow up thinking of me in a bad light, or looking back on me and saying “Geez, what the hell was that?”  I don’t know.  Maybe it’s too much pressure on myself, maybe it’s just the pressure of all this college application stuff and getting ready for the end of the semester.  I feel like I’m slipping out of reach a little, like I can’t do as well as I used to sometimes.  I wish I knew something solid, that something was reliable or constant.  I don’t know if I even have that.  I have no time to come home and sing and scream out loud to relieve stress, I have no time for hobbies at home, I have time for school, work, and homework.  That’s all.  What’s wrong with wanting a personal life?  Nothing.  Nothing’s wrong with having one.  I feel a little like I keep making myself feel a victim in my life, I didn’t realize it but I guess it’s mostly true, sometimes.  I don’t know, maybe it depends on the topic or the time in my life.  I feel like I need to step up and just live the best I can, but it’s so hard when I’m worried about hurting other people.  And if I don’t hurt them, then I may hurt myself, and I don’t want to be conceited and forgo their wellbeing for myself, but I am the one I will live with for the rest of my life, not them, so I am the one I should put forward, but what if it hurts them?  I can’t sacrifice either of us all the time, so what do I do?  I guess I feel better now.  I’ll try to get back to my story again.  Gaelic sounds a little like Japanese when it’s being sung, just thought that was an important little note.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year for anyone who’s reading.  It’s so late… I need to finish this story.  I’m going writing.

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9 Responses to “I Guess It's Melancholy”

  1. If you don’t mind my two-cent’s worth, I wouldn’t get stressed by college application stuff. I’m not into it myself, I think it’s a waste of time for me, because while you’ll be surrounded by like-minded people you’ll be put in a more controlled environment and art should be able to breathe, not bottled.

    That’s a bit presumptuous of me to say that, since everyone works in different ways and that’s just my method, but I strongly recommend looking into alternatives because in the film industry they look at results not your degree. If you keep on doing what you’re already doing, making shorts and working on exploring your own creativity, your work will catch somebody’s eye. That animation guy George told me that one of the best things you can do is send your work to all the festivals you can and all the people in the industry whose work you like.

    Bah. This is just another Elliot windbag moment so take it with a grain of salt. But I know a lot of people who get stressed out from trying to get into colleges because society likes to tell us we’re nothing without a degree, but when they get out of college they’re in debt paying back student loans or whatever and they really haven’t learned that much. You do meet a lot of people though. Anyway, just my opinion, but if you’re getting stressed by something maybe that’s the universe telling you something.

  2. I don’t think it’s right to assume that college is mostly a wasteful experience if you haven’t been through it. It’s fine to have opinions, but I have heard pretty much nothing but great stories about Emerson, and good stuff about Purchase too (those two colleges I’m applying to). I do want to go to college, partly for the access to top-quality resources and equipment, and since you’re the only like-minded person I’ve met that’s even close to my age, I think college is going to be a good idea to help me get serious about film and get other people to take me seriously. That’s the frustrating part, that people here aren’t either open-minded enough to try to help me with something a lot of the time, or that people just don’t care and think I’m a kid and won’t make it. It’s not really fair for me to assume that either, but I hate that I’m the only one of my friends who is interested in making the kinds of movies I want to make, and even graphics and writing, that there’s no one really similar to me at school or that I see most every day. There’s no one I see every day who I can talk to about the things I want to do and am doing and that kind of stuff. I still want to take a year off and move forward on my own, do some projects and stuff, but I do want to go to college to have that structure with at least a resource to make my work progress and get better, and at least, if I learn nothing, I’ll come out of it knowing a ton more people who are into the same things as I am as passionately as I am. That’s I guess why I really want to go to college, to meet people and to make myself better at what I want to do. I think it’ll be worth it, both the year off and the four years in college. Plus, it’ll be fun, more of a social life than me being alone and trying to work on my own stuff all the time, at least I’ll know people I can relate to and be interested in. I think it’ll be fun, I’ve been to Emerson too, and it looks awesome, I’m very excited.

  3. Yeah man, don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t trying to be discouraging. Everyone’s got a different way of doing things. I hear a lot of great stories about college, and I’m not saying it’s an entirely wasteful experience what with all the like-minded people surrounding you. But all college can teach you is technical stuff, that’s what I’m trying to say. You can’t learn art. That’s my main point.

    But hey, until then you have like a year and a half. So I have a proposal for ya. When you’re out of high school, what would you think about roommating? We could pool our resources and get cracking on short films, even a feature if we think we could pull it off. And since I’m in the same boat with you, I don’t know very many people as passionate about filmmaking as you, if we shared an apartment one of us would always be there to bounce an idea off of.

    Anyhoo, that’s a ways off, so think on it.

  4. Why did this never occur to me? This is probably the best idea I’ve heard all week. You’ve made my day, Elliot, thanks a lot. I think that’d be a great idea actually, we can both work at the station if Garrett hires me, and if not there’s bound to be something else I can do up in Manchester (I’m assuming that’s where this would be). Then yea, we’d both be there for ideas and teamwork type stuff. That’s an awesome idea. Any places or anything in mind? Email me about this.

    About college, I think it would definitely be a great idea to go to college just because of the people, the resources and the end result of more work accomplished (which you could also do outside on your own, but having the equipment and people makes it easier), and the connections and possibilities you create along the way. I think it’ll definitely be worth it. But so is a lot in life; even if things don’t end ideally, you’ve at least learned something along the way, and you can use that experience for something in the future. I guess it’s sort of like building blocks, and in life, you can’t just take out a bottom building block. And then there are those who do, and we see them on the streets, dirty and hungry and sorry, or in mental hospitals, or on TV or in newspapers.

    Anyway, I’m going to college after my year off, and I think it’ll definitely be worth it. But roommating does sound like an excellent idea, so I will check into that.

  5. Yeah. I’ve got to really get my act together and hustle these next 6 months. I dont have any place in mind to rent, but yeah, it’ll probably be in or near Manchester. No point looking until it gets closer the way real estate goes. I’m going to Bennington in a couple weeks to get my learners permit, and I’ve absolutely got to start getting my own video equipment. I’ll be looking into a Mac, maybe Garrett can order one for me and I’ll just pay for it through the station, because before I leave here I need to install all the software I have on the station laptop onto my own. And I need a camera (if you know of one let me know. I’m sort of on a budget, but I can do $500-600 if I have to. That’s for a used cam, of course). Ya. After that we can see about roommating and the workshops. I’m sure Garrett’ll hire you in a minute.

  6. That’d be awesome if Garrett hired me full-time. I’m hoping no work tomorrow, since it’s going to be a “wintry mix,” which means more rain and show and sucky gross crap. I’d look into B&H for their used stuff, they’re an awesome store anyways, but I don’t know much about their used stuff, it should be nice, judging by their reputation. It’s nice to have all the station equipment like that to use and borrow and stuff, and the software to put on your own computer. You’d still be working for them though, right? It sounded for a second like you wanted all of the software on your own computer before they fired you or something. Good luck on the permit test. Let me know how the used equipment search goes, I can ask my teacher here to see if he knows of anything.

  7. Nah. They can’t fire me. I do all the work around here and they’ve become totally dependant on me. When I leave it’ll be after much planning to make sure all my bases are covered, nobody at the station (*cough* Toney) hates me more than usual so I can still get access to equipment, and all that good stuff. But I’m definitely not gonna drop everything and rush out of here like a doofus, I’d shoot myself in the foot if I did that.

  8. Yea, that’s true. Well good luck. I just replied to everything you’ve sent me in the last week, so I sent like 3 or 4 emails to you a few minutes ago. Enjoy reading! Haha. Good luck at the station though, it would be nice if things cleared up a bit more.

  9. chloechloe7 Says:

    sounds like me :/

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