Lately I've Been…

It seems generally like a lot of girls are a little hard to understand in terms of logic. It’s becoming more evident that yea, some are really manipulative, but some are just twisted, not like they’re bad people, but they want things or prefer things a certain way because they do and that’s that, and if you don’t comply then you suck and they’ll tell you about it. But no, they won’t break up with you and save you both the trouble of a fighting relationship, they’ll just be mad… and that’s where the really stupid part comes in, when they get mad or sad and they just ignore you, don’t talk to you, they just act like they hate you when they don’t and expect you to comfort them even when they tell you not to touch them. It’s fucking insane. My girlfriend right now isn’t like that at all, actually she agrees with me on this kind of stuff, so that makes me so happy. Like her ex and my ex would have freaked out if we had been really close with any opposite-sex friend, physically or just friendship-wise (and I don’t mean cheating at all, just excellent friendship), and now we’re both like no, you go ahead and hug them, it’s awesome, I don’t care at all.

That’s great and all, but I am having a little bit of trouble here. There’s this girl who is awesome in my math class, and she reminds me of my ex from Colombia and it rips my heart; it feels like something’s really poking or ripping it. We had to finish our final portfolios for my writing class (which was/is quite the amazing class), since the semester is ending next week, and we had a journal topic to write a letter to someone we never did, so I wrote one to her. We don’t send it, but writing it was hard enough. I’ve gotten pretty upset in school a few times, not publicly or anything just in my head. Maybe it’ll get better, I guess we’ll see. I never thought this would happen like this. I miss being there, life was the best.

Anyways. I went to a Christmas party about a month or two ago for the TV station I’ve been volunteering at for the past two summers in a row. I’m hoping to get a paid full-time job this coming summer there. It’d be great to be able to go down and see everybody down there in Colombia with the money I earn, but I don’t know what’ll happen; I think we’re going down at some point (maybe) during the summer for my cousin’s wedding. That would be awesome. There’s another guy at the station that I’ve been emailing and talking to since this past summer, he’s 19 and out of high school, and I don’t think he’s going to college, but he’s got some cool ideas for movies, and we’ve been going back and forth for a while about ideas, plans (that pretty much never ended up happening), and other random stuff. He’s really cool, I like him. My friends here are really good friends, but I do still miss Colombia.

I’ve been playing with my guitar a little recently too. I tried to set up a mini-recording station, so I have a few little programs for music recording and editing, all free. Audacity is one that’s really good, I used that for the audio on my movie last (school)year. I was almost done with making a movie during the fall, but those plans got messed up because my ex here didn’t want to see me for a while, so that’s been on hold. I’m hoping thought that we can get back together and shoot the last two scenes I need of her. Plus I’ve been growing my beard out since October (yea, I know) so I’ll look scraggly enough for the all-nighter writer’s sequence I’m acting in. I’m the writer writing the story in the film, and I want him to look not stressed but like he’s been working on this for a while. It took me an all-nighter and some of the morning to write the whole thing, then about 12 hours of sleep to recover from the whole ordeal. This was at the end of this past summer.

What else, I don’t know what’s going on completely, but I guess nobody ever does. I don’t want to seem emo or anything, even though I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with emo people unless they hurt themselves, but sometimes I just wish I could watch a good cry movie and watch it alone. It just would make me feel better. I’ve been thinking recently that I feel a sort of family-type bond between certain people in certain classes, and I’m dreading the day next week when those classes end. They just end, and they’re gone, and I probably won’t see the kids much after that, unless I have classes with them again, which would be good, but you know it’s not the same, since it’s a different setting, different teachers, subjects, other students, etc. Now I sound like I’m just complaining. I have tons of things to do, I guess I’m just stressed with school, and outside-of-school life. I guess I just wish there was some friend here that I could talk to and get this all out to, it’d be better in person. I have to post on my blog and the JDBblogs one too, because Dor will be gone for the next few days and won’t be able to. I’ve never been sad or “depressed” at all about leaving a semester behind. Maybe it’s partly due to the writing class, since we all let out truths and secrets anonymously to each other (we did this thing called roundtables where we would read someone’s work out loud with no name on it, then we’d all critique it and give it back to the teacher who would discreetly give it back to the writer.) Sometimes it was obvious whose work it was, but sometimes not, and then it reinforces the family bond with everybody, because we know something more about someone now, and it brings you closer to… the collective group I guess, since you don’t know who it is specifically.

I try to live upbeat and happily every day, just looking up and ahead, and mostly I can, but this ex-from-Colombia and end-of-semester business is really bringing me down. My friend talks to me in the mornings about how he feels closer and different about his new girlfriend (his 5th I think so far this school year… yeah, I know). I like hearing it, and I’m glad for him. I can’t help thinking that a lot of people at my school aren’t quite up to the level that I am of… I don’t want to say thinking but I guess that’s what it is. “You think deep thoughts, Blake,” I’ve been told by my writing teacher (who is not in any way behind me in “thinking level”) a few times, and other people have definitely pointed things like that out, and I look around at all the people in my school and it’s like the typical stereotypes, and I’m just not sure if there’s anyone who’s as open-minded and accepting and wants to work for as much as a challenge and their best work as I do. I just don’t know if people are ready for it yet, and it’s sad. I don’t mean to sound like I’m preachy or saying I’m better than them, because I know I’m not, and maybe I’m just not looking hard enough or something, but I just wish there was someone to be able to talk about things like this with, and I think it’s sad that there isn’t. I guess I’ll figure things out. I’ll live for math class, since it’s the most fun class I have, and when that’s over, film class and web design, and then my graduation party, and then whatever comes next. I guess day by day is just the way to go for now. I’ll figure it out.

3 Responses to “Lately I've Been…”

  1. Thanks for the plug. ;D

  2. Hi Blake, I felt like this in high school (and sometimes still do!), if you wana talk deep or just talk sensible, then I will talk to you x

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