When Love's Gone…

I wrote this recently to a friend and thought it was somewhat inspiring. I don’t know if this word is quite right for the topic, but enjoy.


Friends aren’t more important than a boyfriend. But neither is the boyfriend more important than the friends. They’re differently important and it’s stupid and unfair to get jealous of each other because it’s not the same kind of relationship. Don’t let it get to you, I would do my best to just ignore him I guess. I think the whole stop-talking-to-someone-for-you and the jealousy games are stupid. You’re either mentally and emotionally stable in a relationship or you’re not, and you can either be fair or you can’t. If you can’t, then maybe you should talk. If that doesn’t work, then maybe it’s not the best idea for you two to be together. If good times truly, truly cancel out the bad, then I guess it works. But I have a much shorter patience for jealousy now than I used to. It’s not fair to manipulate like that and control who people talk to. That’s not really a fear of abandonment, that’s being controlling. That’s what [someone] did to me. It’s not pathetic, it’s just stupid. I do understand, from our perspective though, that when you’re with someone the bad things kind of don’t matter as long as they stay there with you, so you kind of don’t care about what bad you could be doing as long as the relationship stays alive. But still, they’re manipulating you into doing things for them, and it can really destroy big parts of your life. I stopped talking to [friend] for [someone] and now [friend] won’t even look at me, the few rare times I see her. We could have at least been pretty close friends.

You didn’t waste your time. At least you have things to look back on and learn from, someone to talk to and listen who’s already been through it and can help you think through things (me), and you still have all your friends around you for support if and when you need it. Mostly though, you learned, or you will. And it’s not that boys disappear, it’s that relationships come and go, but you stay, and what stays with you is what makes you, and usually, it’s worth it. Here, you know what to look out for next time in a relationship. If someone borders on what [your ex] did, you know to say “Wait a minute, look,” and explain it to them, or just say you won’t take shit like that. Don’t be harsh about it, just set your boundaries, decide what you want, and then wait for that to come to you. And the best part is that it will. Maybe not soon, but eventually, some guy will fall onto your lap and fit right in. But keep trying, because it always makes for at least a good laugh when you tell your friends about his ridiculous habits. And there are always good times to remember, and it doesn’t hurt to remember them. It might at first, but they’re still good times, and you shouldn’t be afraid to remember them just because the relationship’s over. Things get better, you grow stable and secure and stronger, and you learn. Then you can remember fondly, or un-fondly, or just remember. Maybe you can write about it in your magazine :).

Don’t blame yourself for things he did. You can’t control him, and you shouldn’t. When you and I “hated” each other, I spent most of my time away from you… as much as possible, really. I’d go play D&D with people who really loved me, I thought, or at least they enjoyed my company. Maybe that’s what you should do. Not D&D specifically, but something. Make most of your time be away from him. Try to learn to grow from what happened, try to write about what happened, talk about it with other people, family, friends, anyone. Keep emailing, keep a blog, have long phone conversations (and I know you’re totally capable), write a short play or movie about it. Do whatever you need to do to express the emotions. But don’t blame yourself. It’s his fault that he was controlling and insecure, not yours. And don’t hate him. In his own way he loved you, and to him it made sense. And to you, your love made sense. Neither of you completely understood each other’s love, and neither of you now can really fit together, but you both tried, and you both gave it what you had. Don’t think of it as time wasted, life lost, or mistakes made, think of it as something that happened in life that you can – and will – overcome and learn from. Because you will.

Good luck :).


P.S. And no, you’re not a terrible person at all.


One Response to “When Love's Gone…”

  1. You should add something about that how relationships will give something to learn to you allso… maybe you did something that it didn’t work… we always blame others, when something didn’t worked.

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