Brush with Death… maybe

Well, tonight I was working on my Violence documentary video when out of the blue and ex shows up, completely hysterical, at my house.  I thought it was my sister at first but that was too hysterical even for a young teenage girl at the end of a premature high school relationship.  So I went downstairs to see what was going on and there was this girl on the bench in the dining room, who I at first thought was a friend of my sister’s.  Then my mom, who was comforting the girl by that time asked my ex’s phone number, and when I didn’t know, the girl turned and gave it to her, still hysterical with tears and sobs.  I realized it was my ex, and then went further into the room to try to find out what was the matter.  We heard partial explanations of what had happened, something like she was worried about a friend of hers who might not make it or something.  My mom talked to her mom on the phone and sorted out our bringing her back to her house, and so I drove her car and my mom drove herself and my ex in my mom’s car all back to the house.  We got there and discovered that her friend, as she had said, was in the hospital, a result of an accident (not a car accident, but I’m not sure of the details), and might not make it.  Needless to say, that’s awful enough, but when your life revolves around your friends, like hers does, it’s got to be heart-stopping.  I remember once when we were dating she organized a Thanksgiving party, just for her friends, just because she wanted everybody to be together for the holiday and to have a fun night of food and friends together.  I remember that blew me away when it happened.  Something about the willingness to get everybody at your own house just to have friends together in complete and innocent fun was amazing to me at the time.  It’s still an admirable thing to do.  And very rewarding.  Taking that story in stride, since she adores and loves her friends more than she even cares about her own wellbeing, the fact that her friend now, who she’s known since she was very young, might not live through whatever has just happened was pretty shocking even to me.  She’s very warm and I guess it just gets under your skin.  She’s very relaxed, very nice and calm, energetic when she needs to be but overall accepting and generous, sometimes beyond what seems rational.  The coincidence in tonight, as I usually notice coincidences and try to figure out what the meaning behind them is and why they happened at the time they happened and what I can learn from it, is that I was at that very moment when she heard the news and came to our house, unable to drive anymore, working on a documentary against violence, against needless pain and bullying and suffering.  I wonder now what was the meaning of this coincidence tonight?  Why did this happen in this sequence, what am I meant to think from working on this video to hearing about and helping an old friend?  And why did this happen to me, tonight, at this age, and what do I take from it to learn and help teach others?  I guess all I can come up with now is to be careful.  But more important than that and less cliche – though being careful is completely a good thing to be – to reinforce my conviction to get this anti-violence piece finished and out there, promoted, known, watched and accepted as help and truth and opinion, to be taken as it is and learned from, acted upon.  Life is precious.  Don’t waste it.  Be careful.  And definitely, definitely help others when in need.  I know that I’m not suffering from this, and I know I’m not even related to the incident beyond what happened tonight, but for some reason it touched me, like the death of my sister’s friend last year, even though I barely knew her and had only seen her a few times.  Maybe it’s the relationship with the moment, the connection of helping someone that draws you in closer.  Maybe it’s the ability to try to do good, to try to make them feel better when it seems they can’t hurt anymore than they do at that moment.  Maybe it’s just the fact that I was there, and I felt it, and something changed in me.  I don’t know.  But I guess we often don’t know what happens inside us, it just happens.  And then we change, and we learn, and we act and react and carry on with our lives.  Now I’m sounding so high and mighty.  I was wondering in the car on the way to her house, alone, whilst talking to myself as I often do, “Why do people talk to themselves?  What’s the point?  Maybe it’s because we’re lonely.  Maybe it’s because we like the sound of our own voice.  Or maybe it’s just because we want to feel like we’re heard.”  Or maybe it’s simply because we don’t know what else we’re supposed to do.  And so we talk.  Maybe we should listen more often.  Maybe less talking, more listening, less convolution and more communication and cooperation would help.  Maybe we just don’t know what we’re doing.  And maybe helping people puts that fear of ourselves – fear of the unknown – aside for a moment to let others push away their fear.  Maybe helping someone just is a gesture, maybe it’s better than talking.  Maybe a hug would have solved everything.  Maybe not.  Maybe “I’m sorry and I’ll call tomorrow” would help.  Maybe not.  Maybe I just didn’t know what else I was supposed to do.  And maybe driving and talking to myself was all I could do.  I know this sounds unrelated but I watched a part of Gilmore Girls today and a character said “Don’t pull, fragile,” as some kids pulled at his arms to pull him along.  I guess don’t pull at life or your friends either, though I know my ex never did, because they’re just as fragile as you are.  Best wishes to everyone who reads, and those who don’t.  Be careful, be safe, and be nice.  Listen, and best of luck.  Warm wishes go from me to my friend, so please send her some as well.  Thank you.  Goodnight everyone.

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