Archive for the Friends Category

Quest for Love

Posted in Friends, Get Meta!, Journals, Life, People, Realtionships on October 8, 2007 by blakejohnson

Why do we search for love?  Is it just for acceptance?  Is it the whole point of life?  Why do we search for something seemingly so out of reach that it would seem to deter even the most lovestruck of fellows, yet we do not quit?  Why are we obsessed with finding someone to share our time with, to ease and relax our pain, to talk with at 3 in the morning, to sleep with only for warmth?  What is so special about finding someone to understand each and every word that we speak, or even the ones we never say at all?  Is there something beyond survival that drives our lust for these people?  Is there something more to life than just success, stability of mind and decent surroundings?  Is there some fulfillment not yet carried out in our hearts and our should until there is someone to ease away the sorrows of the day and simply whisper in our ears, “it’s going to be alright, you just keep going”?  Something seems necessary about the visibility of a relationship in society, the tangible status of togetherness, the lack of aloneness that normalizes a person to the rest of the world.  Something makes a relationship a necessity, and the lack of it nearly unbearable.  And see we turn to friends, to guide us, aid us, help us in times of sorrowed darkness, shadowed woe where we find to great comfort, no simple whisper or pat upon the back, no gentle kiss nor slip of skin upon the arm or shoulder or lower back, saying things like “I’m here, we’re here, and the world knows,” to comfort and silence our worries of tomorrow.  In that warm, thoughtful gesture of love we find solace and comfort, peace and happiness.  Though without those occasional gestures, something seems amiss.  Something is indeed gone, since our social image is halved in the eyes of normalized society – where is out other?  Where is the oh-so-cherished better half?  Where is the standard by-my-side symbol of stability?  Why is the approachability of a man gaged by his marital status and why does that directly determine his susceptibility both to rejection and cheating, abandonment of the necessity of love?  The necessity of love.  Such is the world today, or so it seems.  It’s both depressing and intricately fascinating, that a human must find its equal to share its life with, else life be incomplete for its duration.  It seems so unfair, and yet it is only that one human’s fault, because how could one person be to blame for another’s marital status?  How could I hinder my parent’s marriage, my sister’s relationship?  However, on the other hand, I can directly control my willingness to speak and act calmly and normally in front of a beautiful girl.  I can directly control my willingness and ability to speak and recognize friends of old who no longer recognize my beard-ridden face and glasses-bearing eyes.  I am in complete control my myself.  Therefore it is wholly my fault and failure that I let opportunities of flirtation go unused.  And in my younger days of high school I would seize them with vigor, no matter my current marital status at the time, and hold onto them, shake them, pursue them until I found an answer.  Maybe that was what I was looking for all along, the answer to the question.  Why do we search for love?  Why is this depressingly never ending quest for companionship the apparent goal of all life on earth?  And why, for god sake, is it so damn hard?  Aloneness is only easy to tolerate for so long; seeing couples across the room, happy, smiling, giggling, holding one another, is only bearable for so long.  And then the ride begins to tumble.  Life spirals down like a broken rollercoaster, down to the ground with a thundering crash and you know for sure that you’ve hit rock bottom.  Only then, I suppose, can you be sure that you cannot fall any further.  But how do you know for sure you’ve hit it already?  And how can you be sure you won’t hit it again?  Depression can only be held off for so long.  Tears can only be held back for so long.  Friendships, no matter how new or old, can only satisfy for so long.  And a young man in the face of life and on the quest for happiness can only take so much missing out and giving up.  Whispering to himself doesn’t work.  Keeping himself up doesn’t work.  And once down, you can’t pull yourself up again, you have to be strong enough to push yourself off the ground.  But wouldn’t it be nice if there was someone there to help make sure you weren’t bruised when you fell?  That’s what I think.  It’s so damn hard to find anyone.  And it’s so damn hard to watch all the happy couples go by in their happy little worlds with their happy little faces and their happy little lives and think to yourself “God damn I wish I had something.”  And things like “I’m the Ebeneezer Scrooge of only 18,” and “I can’t wait to get the hell out of here” are constant thoughts in your mind.  It’s so damn hard sometimes.  And foreign crushes and famous admirations only make things worse.  And the tears can honestly only be held back for so long.  And in the darkness, at past two in the morning, the only one to talk to is yourself.  The hurt can only go so deep and then fade.  But you forget that it can always come back, and when you least expect.  And you forget that it hurts and you want to cry, and you see everyone happy and you hear all the giggling and you smile and nod and wish them well, while inside you’re cursing their ultimate good fortune, wishing nothing ill upon them – you would never do that – but wishing to God or Someone out there that someone would come along your way to pick you up and make you see that things are indeed not so bitter and hard as you had once thought.  And life seems so tough and full, and obligations go forgotten until hours before they’re pre-established deadlines and rushes to complete them are only as futile as the attempts to seize those opportunities of flirtation.  And then you go unnoticed – again.  The world won’t see if you don’t show, but how do you show when you’re so nervous and unsure?  Or is that the whole point?  To overcome the fear of abandonment and rejection for the slight chance of a smile and a warm moment of heart in another person.  Maybe that’s the whole point of the quest for love.  And maybe I just really am the Scrooge of my age, and maybe there are others out there like me, and maybe I’m not so alone.  And maybe I’ll end up happy in the future and successful and with time full of those warm gestures of love and of kindness, and of gentle hugs and warms lip-caresses until the sleep fades us away into warm nights together in clean beds and comfortable embraces.  But for now, at only 18, I am again forced to resign into another cold, empty bed with the sheets ruffled and the sides as flat as the mattress they rest on, to dream of something unrelated to my current troubles of heart.  And tomorrow I’ll wake up, depressed at the amount of forgotten work and the mounting day presenting new challenges in finding someone to laugh or smile or simply open themselves for a moment of kindness to which I’ve been so long denied.  Though I know it won’t happen tomorrow.  Am I wrong to be set in my preconceived notion of aloneness and solitude and depressing singularity for yet another day in yet another small, relatively unimportant life?  Compared to the world, my troubles are nothing, but compared to the world, my troubles are universal.  Am I wrong to be this bitter, am I wrong to be this cold?  Or is the freezing breeze coming through my window just another reminder of how I’m to spend my night asleep?  And is this writing simply a method to express the sadness that so long soaks my bones and sometimes surfaces in unexpected moments of ordinary life?  Of course.  But then what do I do?  Simply continue the quest?  Of course, what other option is there?  Other than to lay down and die, which I would refuse if offered the chance.  So I simply trudge off to sleep, satisfied at least at having made headway on one of the forgotten pieces of work that loom so heavily on the darkened horizon.  Continuous depressive writing is probably the most needless activity of the night.  So I retire, likely to think about the same matters and let the tears flow, ever so slightly, onto the cold pillow on the bedside.  Or maybe simply to dream.  Only time will whisper, and only to me, coldly, as I tick away the seconds wondering when anyone will come along and warm up the heart in my chest.

Advertisements

Brush with Death… maybe

Posted in Friends, Get Meta!, Life, People on September 11, 2007 by blakejohnson

Well, tonight I was working on my Violence documentary video when out of the blue and ex shows up, completely hysterical, at my house.  I thought it was my sister at first but that was too hysterical even for a young teenage girl at the end of a premature high school relationship.  So I went downstairs to see what was going on and there was this girl on the bench in the dining room, who I at first thought was a friend of my sister’s.  Then my mom, who was comforting the girl by that time asked my ex’s phone number, and when I didn’t know, the girl turned and gave it to her, still hysterical with tears and sobs.  I realized it was my ex, and then went further into the room to try to find out what was the matter.  We heard partial explanations of what had happened, something like she was worried about a friend of hers who might not make it or something.  My mom talked to her mom on the phone and sorted out our bringing her back to her house, and so I drove her car and my mom drove herself and my ex in my mom’s car all back to the house.  We got there and discovered that her friend, as she had said, was in the hospital, a result of an accident (not a car accident, but I’m not sure of the details), and might not make it.  Needless to say, that’s awful enough, but when your life revolves around your friends, like hers does, it’s got to be heart-stopping.  I remember once when we were dating she organized a Thanksgiving party, just for her friends, just because she wanted everybody to be together for the holiday and to have a fun night of food and friends together.  I remember that blew me away when it happened.  Something about the willingness to get everybody at your own house just to have friends together in complete and innocent fun was amazing to me at the time.  It’s still an admirable thing to do.  And very rewarding.  Taking that story in stride, since she adores and loves her friends more than she even cares about her own wellbeing, the fact that her friend now, who she’s known since she was very young, might not live through whatever has just happened was pretty shocking even to me.  She’s very warm and I guess it just gets under your skin.  She’s very relaxed, very nice and calm, energetic when she needs to be but overall accepting and generous, sometimes beyond what seems rational.  The coincidence in tonight, as I usually notice coincidences and try to figure out what the meaning behind them is and why they happened at the time they happened and what I can learn from it, is that I was at that very moment when she heard the news and came to our house, unable to drive anymore, working on a documentary against violence, against needless pain and bullying and suffering.  I wonder now what was the meaning of this coincidence tonight?  Why did this happen in this sequence, what am I meant to think from working on this video to hearing about and helping an old friend?  And why did this happen to me, tonight, at this age, and what do I take from it to learn and help teach others?  I guess all I can come up with now is to be careful.  But more important than that and less cliche – though being careful is completely a good thing to be – to reinforce my conviction to get this anti-violence piece finished and out there, promoted, known, watched and accepted as help and truth and opinion, to be taken as it is and learned from, acted upon.  Life is precious.  Don’t waste it.  Be careful.  And definitely, definitely help others when in need.  I know that I’m not suffering from this, and I know I’m not even related to the incident beyond what happened tonight, but for some reason it touched me, like the death of my sister’s friend last year, even though I barely knew her and had only seen her a few times.  Maybe it’s the relationship with the moment, the connection of helping someone that draws you in closer.  Maybe it’s the ability to try to do good, to try to make them feel better when it seems they can’t hurt anymore than they do at that moment.  Maybe it’s just the fact that I was there, and I felt it, and something changed in me.  I don’t know.  But I guess we often don’t know what happens inside us, it just happens.  And then we change, and we learn, and we act and react and carry on with our lives.  Now I’m sounding so high and mighty.  I was wondering in the car on the way to her house, alone, whilst talking to myself as I often do, “Why do people talk to themselves?  What’s the point?  Maybe it’s because we’re lonely.  Maybe it’s because we like the sound of our own voice.  Or maybe it’s just because we want to feel like we’re heard.”  Or maybe it’s simply because we don’t know what else we’re supposed to do.  And so we talk.  Maybe we should listen more often.  Maybe less talking, more listening, less convolution and more communication and cooperation would help.  Maybe we just don’t know what we’re doing.  And maybe helping people puts that fear of ourselves – fear of the unknown – aside for a moment to let others push away their fear.  Maybe helping someone just is a gesture, maybe it’s better than talking.  Maybe a hug would have solved everything.  Maybe not.  Maybe “I’m sorry and I’ll call tomorrow” would help.  Maybe not.  Maybe I just didn’t know what else I was supposed to do.  And maybe driving and talking to myself was all I could do.  I know this sounds unrelated but I watched a part of Gilmore Girls today and a character said “Don’t pull, fragile,” as some kids pulled at his arms to pull him along.  I guess don’t pull at life or your friends either, though I know my ex never did, because they’re just as fragile as you are.  Best wishes to everyone who reads, and those who don’t.  Be careful, be safe, and be nice.  Listen, and best of luck.  Warm wishes go from me to my friend, so please send her some as well.  Thank you.  Goodnight everyone.

College

Posted in Blog, Friends, Life, News, School on September 6, 2007 by blakejohnson

Well it was my first day of college today.  Pretty cool.  I just feel more mature now, just different, cooler, heh.  I remember talking to a friend a while back and him saying that you just feel different when you turn 18.  You just start thinking that you can’t do things you used to do sometimes, you’re different, there’s a different feeling in the air around you.  I know more of what he means now.  It was one of those rare moments you have with someone when they seem completely genuine and deep.  One of those true movie moments (right, true movie, what an oxymoron) that grab you and you go “wow, that was… and you’re speechless in your own head.”  So now I started college.  Officially.  I had English and Sociology.  I think I’m going to like Sociology.  It was pretty good today.  It turns out it’s more of what I find interesting than I’d first thought.  English is so-so, it seems like it’s just going to be an English class, which isn’t bad, it’s just nothing to brag about, and that’s not so hot really.  I think my posting more in the past two days might have something to do with it.  I’m just different feeling, more into life, maybe.  I was sitting at the table with a couple kids my age after classes and we were just hanging out and it just felt like college kids, hanging out, which is typical, when you think about it, to relate to the college experience.  I just felt like we were older now, more us than kids, and it was cool.  Anyway… I’m posting this because I don’t want to fall into the trend of a college guy blog or website that’s all about viral videos and random stuff online, because sometimes that’s cool, but this is supposed to be my personal blog, so I’d like to keep it related to me at least sometimes.  Plus my friends sometimes read these posts, and the more impersonal they become, the less I’m communicating with those friends.  So, enjoy what I do post in league of videos and entertainment, but this is still my blog for me, about me, and it’ll still have those deeper, more life-related posts in it coming whenever I feel the need or urge to get one up.  Thanks for reading, and enjoy the posts to come.

Stop The Violence

Posted in Friends, Life, News, People, School, Video, Web, YouTube on August 24, 2007 by blakejohnson

Hey everyone, I met a guy a few months back who’s trying to organize an
effort against Violence in the form of a video collective/group of
YouTube where people can post their videos about violence in their
area, their lives and in general. I’m a part of the group and am almost
done with a nearly 20-minute documentary on the subject of violence at
my old high school. I want to ask all of you to at least join the group
and help spread the word about the group on YouTube. If you can post on
forums, blogs, anywhere, tell friends, whatever, join the group and
tell other people about it. Whoever can record video with a video
camera, still camera, webcam, whatever you’ve got, or even an audio
file with your computer’s microphone, do something to contribute and
post it on the group’s page. There is no definite final product out of
this, just a group of people wanting to stop violence to some degree in
whatever manner they can. So, without any more from me, here’s the
link, and please join the effort:

http://www.youtube.com/group/stoptheviolence

Thanks!

Blake & The Stop The Violence Group

ReThink

Posted in Computers, DIY, Film, Friends, Life, News, Work on July 25, 2007 by blakejohnson

Well… today was a rather traumatic day.  I got in a car accident with a friend, we’re both fine, I’m still shaken up about it, getting better but I still would rather keep my feet on the ground, stay calm, inside, quiet, you know, just no excitement really.  Anyway… I’ve got a gash on the inside of my left arm, by the veins in my wrist, I’ve also got a bruise on my right knee and my left hand.  The car’s front left wheel looked like it was bent off the axle – or even worse, the axle itself was bent out of shape.  We didn’t expect it at all, it happened really fast, I don’t really know why I’m telling people (possibly nobody) about this but I was here posting about something else and decided to mention it.  Anyway… we’re fine, as I said.  My friend got thrown around a little more than I did, hit his jaw on the window and his knees on the glove compartment, and he said the seatbelt held him firmly in his seat and gave him a bruise in his ribs.  But that’s better than something else.  Both airbags deployed and it smelled funny, the smell of the small explosions that released the airbags into the cabin.  We took the rest of the day off work, the car’s at the auto place, will be towed to a place much closer to my house (I was at work about 45 minutes away from home) and my friend and his mom drove me home.  I think, almost needless to say, I’m pretty adverse to driving for a while.  Good thing I’m leaving for vacation in two days, that’ll give me about a week or two to get over it and have fun at my brother’s wedding.  All day today I’ve just been dazed really, since the accident, just like things went on as normal, but yet they’re not quite normal, since we had this crash in the morning around 11.  So I guess I just wait and see what happens with the car and we move on with normal life.  I’m just pretty shaken up, I’ve been in a mood basically for nothing ever since it happened, I’m not repelled from usual habits, I’m just not really attracted to them either, nothing seems intriguing really.  But I think this blogging might be helping and earlier I was reading some articles in Videomaker magazine so that was a good relaxing thing to do I think.  So anyway… right before I leave, at least I’m OK.

In better news… I recently ordered a computer to be used solely for video work, which will be wonderful, and it shipped today so I will have it to put together when I get back from the trip.  It’s going to be a powerful system loaded with the brand new Adobe Production Suite Premium that I co-bought with my parents for graduation.

The ketchup commercial I shot with a friend this past Sunday night, so that’s done as far as shooting goes, now I only have to capture and edit and run it through my new effects program (all to be done on the new computer in a very short amount of time at the very last few hours of the Heinz competition) called After Effects for some last-minute touch-ups and tweaking and finalizing.  I’m looking forward to breaking in the new system and programs… I’ll also use them on various projects I’ve filmed throughout the summer and on a more serious effort I want to make this summer as a trailer for a longer idea so I can make it look finished and professional for pitching to possible investors for when I have a fully-written script.

Lastly, I’ve bought the wood for my new desk I’m going to be making, though that will happen also after I’m back from the trip to Seattle (my brother’s wedding).  It was expensive, but I hope it was worth it.  It looks nice and I’m hoping it’ll come out pretty nice as well.  Anyway… Thanks for reading, whoever did, and I’ll talk more later.  Be safe, have good summers.

Beauty

Posted in Art, Film, Friends, Life, People, Realtionships, Video on June 10, 2007 by blakejohnson

This is absolutely gorgeous.  Someday, I want to do this.

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2861598/collection/2083/channel/shorts

FREE HUGS

Posted in Friends, Life, Music, People, Video, YouTube on May 21, 2007 by blakejohnson

I just recently saw Sick Puppies in concert and discovered this video online.  Brought me near tears… I think the video says it all.  Enjoy.